Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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