I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
