she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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