i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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