Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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