I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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