I hate all girls vehemently.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
