When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
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