break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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