Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
