she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize
