I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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