We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
