Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
