my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
