you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Randomize
