dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
