True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Randomize
