im six kinds of drunk right now
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
