Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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