im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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