Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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