please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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