i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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