Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
