oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
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