a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
The uberlube is also flammable
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
