Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
