Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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