I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Randomize
