Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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