3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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