if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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