she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
