So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
