Ketchup is God's man juice
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Then you guys just all showered together...?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
