I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Your topless pictures make me question reality
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
