It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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