standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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