Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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