he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
