What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
