those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Randomize
