my vag is so smooth its legendary
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is classic penis vs brain.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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