nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
