You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
