My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
