i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
