So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
So. Much. Porn.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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