I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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