I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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