So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Randomize
