just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
