I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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