You made me cry and you don't even care
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
