...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
