Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
