She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
