I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
