my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
