I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.