Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
